Tolerance; A catalyst for self
I’ve come to understand and acknowledge that many times our perception of the role of tolerance, understanding and other self impacting humility traits is majorly skewed. I call them “self impacting” because many times it captures the scope of impact that such traits have and more importantly, the scope that we should all view it in. Many times, indirectly we have an expectation that somehow our humility, patience or tolerance will give rise to something external to us. Maybe there lies an unconscious thought that our self impacting traits will influence other people, or better yet, make them change (I’m not speaking platonically now).
What I’m getting at is this main point really; we shouldn’t expect that our patience with some one will necessarily inspire them to change, or catalyse anything within them. That’s many a times not the end result, and for our own safety of emotion and psychi, it’s better we value patience and tolerance as a herb that grows us. It’s not a drug everyone will try. How deluded we are when we wrongly wield such traits as a “while we wait for change” tool or some kind of interrim facility to house growth for someone else. “My patience change someone else” … Sounds absurd and even now I’m having a “duhh” moment as I write. Thinking to myself that no amount of tolerance and patience can ever change a person does contribute to my perspective though 🙂
Naturally, since all these self impacting traits are powerless it’s obvious that change is often borne from a conscious, willing mind. Those are the real catalysts, the movers and shakers. Hope the context is done creeping in and the foundation is set. Problem solving in relationships has to be intentional and deliberate. We must take a multifaceted approach to solving problems, and one of the best way to solve problems is to understand thoroughly the tools we have at our disposal. We need the self impacting traits sure, however that needs to be paired with a willing individual. If people never plan to change, we don’t waste our S.I. traits (they’re healing herbs remember); we waste our time.
Tolerance, humility, understanding and patience; oh how beautiful they all are. When one partner is wrong, he’s abusive (not physically), she’s hurtful, he’s unkind, she’s selfish, he’s impatient… How beautiful when you can find someone who will wait while you change. Let me tell what happens when you pair this very fragile beauty with the ugliness of unwillingness. Primarily, our S.I. traits force us to look beyond, postpone the recognition of or ignore our hurt. That’s major by the way and it has deep, often irreversible effects (fine.. some midly) upon our personality. We can loose our voice in a relationship, become shamefully more submissive, engage in previously immoral activities, lower our standards, get depressed, grow plantations of nonchalance, massacre our self esteem, debate our self worth, become cousins with Hulk or worse. If your partner isn’t willing to change (ohhh and there’s a difference between “willing” and “will”) then things can’t work!!! Biring your S.I. traits, let em bring on the change. Your traits will be well rewarded, and your sense of fulfilment will nurse the hurt you had to endure.
Change can be a dangerous thing; especially when it’s only merely anticipated. Your traits aren’t needed and certainly aren’t valued by someone who obviously thinks you have a never ending supply by expecting you to just shed them out continously when in return they … well… Zilch. Not worth it.
By the way… The whole change thing goes for you too.